Friday night I was hanging out with some friends at the bar, and went into the bathroom to take a piss. I was writing an email on my Blackberry as I walked in. There were three urinals - a guy with crazy looking long hair was using the one on the right, one in the middle, and the midget one on the left. Since they had dividers between them, I chose the middle one and began to urinate.

I was still typing my email when the guy to my right started talking to me in the kind of rambling way homeless people do. So, without taking my eyes off of my Blackberry I kept typing and saying stuff like "Yeah." "That's Great." "Ok." without paying attention to anything he was saying. Something about drinking I think. This went on for far too long, and by the time I was done pissing and emailing I was tired of him talking. He continued his rambling, "Have you ever seen a guy drink a beer with one hand?"

I zipped up, and while backing up I turned to him and said, "Look man, I don't give a fuck how many hands you drink a beer with. Stop talking to me."

Right in the middle of saying this I heard this metallic clinking of glass and metal, like putting a penny in a wine glass and shaking it around. I looked down, and saw that he was holding a beer bottle...

Poor Re-Creation

...with a hook. He was not very happy that I had said that, and was starting to get more and more visibly angry, and his hook and bottle were clanking louder and louder. I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm going to get stabbed in the neck by Captain Hook."

Hook started screaming at me in a very non G-rated, non Disney way. In the few instants before I ran back out of the bathroom and hid in the crowd, I made a brief list of pros and cons of having a hook for a hand, which I will leave you with. Feel free to add.

Cons:

-People would not let you hold their babies.

-You are limited to about 2 Halloween costumes.

-You would have a fucking hook for a hand.

-You would not be good at tying balloon animals.

Pros:

-You would not be good at tying balloon animals.

-You could leave a note or drawing on pretty much anything.

-You would be invaluable in a street fight.

-You could turn any piece of rope immediately into a zipwire.

-You could pierce ears or tongues on the spot.

-You would be really good at scratching backs, unless you get startled.