About two months ago Graham made this new friend that we met out at the bar one night. Hilarious guy, he went to ASU so we had all sorts of stuff to talk about from my little "stint" out there. About 12 drinks into the night, a girl who was friends with this guy came over and started talking to us. Blue, blonde, some weird name, MASSIVE rack. So naturally, I started chatting her up and ordering shots.

shots, shots, shots.

One by one my friends started leaving as I was playing pool with this girl. Eventually, it was just the two of us and reports have it that I was wearing her sunglasses and slurring my speech when the last one left. Big smile on my face. So, the bar started shutting down and I suggested that the bar in my building "might still be open" <--- (giant lie). We stumbled over there and it's closed, dark, and locked up.

"I have alcohol upstairs," I volunteered, as she had started to catch on to my little plan. But at this point, she was pot committed, so she started demanding pizza. I think it was her subconscious way of saying, "If I'm going to fuck you, you're going to feed me." So I told her I probably had pizza upstairs too <---(giant lie), and up she came. I opened my fridge and, just like I had left it, just a bottle of baileys, some gatorade, and A1 sauce.

I poked my head out of the fridge and asked her, "Welp, can't find the pizza. Let me see what else I can whip up real quick." She looked over, rolled her eyes, and goes, "Whatever." So I microwaved her a delicious Chicken Carbonara. Around the time I finished arranging it on a plate and trying to pass it off as home cooking, I realized that I had no idea what her name was. N........ something that started with an 'N.' Something weird.

After she stuffed herself full of microwave dinners we started watching TV on the couch and making out and stuff. I moved her over to the bed and she straddled me and shucked off everything restraining her massive torpedoes. At this point I was really wasted so I was just kind of fumbling around and batting at them like a cat. We kept things rolling in the right direction and eventually were both naked, so I started nailing her. Or trying, at least. She'd get me all good and ready and then the second I'd get in there my cock would transform into a wet gymsock and I'd just kind of whimper and pull it back out. After doing this a couple of times she just goes, "Forget it." I told her that I'd satisfy her again in the morning once the liquor wore off. She gave me a look letting me know that no, I would not.

The morning was awkward city. I felt so physically terrible that I actually called in sick from work after drunk driving her to her car. N...... , Nothing. Still no idea what her name was. I was kind of hoping she would start talking in the third person or something. When I dropped her off I was about to pull the classic, "So how exactly do you spell your name?" But realized that I had left my phone at home. She pulled hers out. "Oh well, I can just get yours." Then there was a long pause before she finished, "... This is kind of awkward but...." I actually finished her sentence by saying, "OH MY GOD, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS DO YOU!?" She laughed kind of sheepishly and said no. "HOLY SHIT," I said, "I DON'T KNOW YOURS EITHER!" We high fived.

I had actually found the perfect backwards relationship, ending with an introduction and starting with really bad sex.